What if I fall? Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?
Pine Street was no luxury rehab! I guess this is obvious since it was free! I did not want to go but once it was decided I threw myself into it and I was determined to make the best of it. I was not physically addicted to Xanax so I did not have to go through detox like some of the other patients. My room was next to the detox area and nobody over there was having fun. Pine Street is a coed facility but men and women were kept apart except for meals and certain meetings. They did not want anyone getting distracted by romance and it was strictly forbidden for us to socialize. That was fine with me, I had enough problems to deal with.
The group of girls that I was in rehab with were amazing! They ranged from teenagers to older women who were addicted to every substance you can think of. Each day was scheduled down to the minute so that we were occupied at all times. I would wake up at 7:15 to be in the girls’ common room by 7:45 for our opening meeting. We opened the day saying a prayer and reading from the AA Book of Affirmations. Then it was down to the cafeteria for breakfast and a cigarette between 8 and 9. The food was actually pretty good. They were trying to fatten up most of the addicts’ so they made sure the food was good and hearty because most of the people in there were too skinny from the drugs or being homeless. I must have gained 20 pounds while I was in there. They also gave us smoke breaks every hour and a half since that was the only vice permitted, everybody smoked pretty much continuously and often.
For several hours a day we had group therapy and each group had 8 people in it and a counselor. My counselor was amazing and very easy to talk to. They had us do a lot of therapy both written and oral. I found that writing things down seemed to clarify it in my mind and help me understand myself better. We had to write a series of essays on various topics and answer questionnaires to help us understand ourselves and the nature of addiction. I still have the binder full of all these exercises so that I can look back on them and remember.
Lunch, smoke, AA Meetings (at least 2 a day) some in the facility, some outside which was nice, dinner, homework, smoke, bed by 10 PM. There was family counseling at least once a week and special speakers to motivate us. To be able to just think about yourself all day and not have to worry about bills or where your next meal is coming from, to not have to figure out how you are going to get more drugs (which would take up a significant portion of my day) and to not have to sneak around your loved ones. I felt free for the first time in a very long time! I learned so much in such a short period of time and really came to a new understanding of myself.
Here is some of what learned:
EVERYTHING IS NOT ABOUT YOU!! I think of this phrase about a hundred times a day, it is in my notes on my phone so that I can look at it and remember it. Addiction is a selfish disease and addicts usually only think of themselves. It is a part of the disease and after a while you get into the mindset that the entire world revolves around you. Someone hasn’t returned your phone call, it must be something you did, someone makes a comment and you automatically think it must be about you when it has nothing to do with you at all, shitty things happen, it must be your fault, etc, etc, etc. Once I put myself into the mind frame that everyone else’s world does not revolve around me it is easier to cope with everyday situations.
Get over your pity party! Oh, poor me, everything is terrible, I have no money, no drugs, no food, no friends, nothing to do, no blah, blah, blah and my life is soo hard and soo difficult that I can’t deal with it so I need to get high in order to cope with all these problems I have. I learned quickly from my therapy group that I did not have it so bad and I heard things in there that would curl your toes. Amanda was in there for her 19th time, was homeless for almost a decade, had been abused and mistreated by everyone in her life from the day she was born until then, her body was broken and twisted from all the abuse and horror that had been inflicted upon her, her life was literally hell on earth and she was only 40. I felt foolish for wallowing in my despair, how could I sit there and say woe is me when I had a good family to lean on, a husband who loved me and the resources to not have to worry about where I was going to sleep that night. She was just grateful for a bed and three square meals a day, how could I sit there and feel sorry for myself? Look, there are a million stories that you can tell but no one knows your life except you, no one can fix it except you. When I get down I try to think about the stories I heard and tell myself, it could always be worse.
You must learn coping mechanisms! People get high in order to deal with problems in their lives. At first it’s just for fun and then it becomes a habit and a way to not have to deal with things you don’t want to deal with or things from your past that you can’t get over. You must learn a different way to deal with these problems or else you will relapse. You cannot just take away the drug from the addict and not teach the addict normal, healthy ways to cope with everyday problems and issues. I really felt like that was the key to my success after rehab that allowed me to lead a normal, healthy life.
There was a core group of girls in there that I was close to. One was a heroin addict named Alex, one was an “everything” addict named Nicole and the other was the previously mentioned homeless heroin addict named Amanda. We were all in the same counseling group and during the few breaks we had we all played Spades together. We all came in at the same time, so we were all there for 28 days together. We kept each other going, supported one another, laughed together, cried together, we bet Skittles on Spades and talked about everything. It was the friendship that I needed in order to build up confidence in myself and I loved them all. I have tried to keep in touch with all three of them since rehab. Amanda died a year later, I am not sure how, but I imagine it was an overdose out on the street, that the heroin and the abuse finally caught up with her, she was only 42. I was never able to find out exactly what happened to her. Nicole died four years ago after relapsing several times, falling in a fire and being hospitalized with severe burns, she was 31. Alex has thrived, got married and is in school, happily living her life in Oklahoma, she is 32. We are the only two who made it and I miss Amanda and Nicole everyday and I am grateful for our time together.
I don’t know why rehab works for some people and not others but for me it was a great experience. I didn’t get out of rehab and have a perfect life, there have been struggles and setbacks along the way. I am not always happy, but I can now deal with it in a healthy way. I still have dreams about Xanax but the craving is not as strong as before. I still take medication everyday and I still get depressed, but I have a life now that is pretty good, that I can remember and enjoy, and it sure is nice to not have everyone in your life angry with you! I still love a good party and a stiff drink just on a more tempered scale now. I am a work in progress and I am thankful for everyday that passes.
The End.
The night is calling... 