Best Friends Forever???

“It’s crazy how you can go months or years without talking to someone but they still cross your mind everyday.”

I am not the easiest person to love, or like, for that matter. I have made so many mistakes, done things thoughtlessly, been selfish and self-obsessed, hurt others with little thought and lost my temper, which can be a little scary, so I’ve heard. I spent a lot of years only caring about altering my reality, getting so messed up that I couldn’t function. It must be exhausting for others to deal with, it exhausts me.

I am a little lonely, no, let me correct that, I am crazy lonely for some female companionship. I have my mother who is my best friend but also my mother. I don’t like to upset her, she has been through enough dealing with me so I tell her positive things and general upsets. I don’t tell her certain things that are better left for just a friend to talk with. I have a sister but she is 8 years younger than I am and we have never been close which is sad, but I fear it is unrepairable.

I had two best friends growing up but I am close to neither. If you had asked me 27 years ago who I would still be close to it was the two of them. What happened? I’m not exactly sure. With one she chose a different path with someone I very vocally opposed and I think that cost us our friendship. To be with him she couldn’t really be close to me, and that is how life goes, we make choices. I put her in the middle and she chose him and that’s ok! We talk every once and a while and are aware of each others lives, but we are not close at all. At one point I was angry about this until after a lot of therapy I realized I put her in a position where she had to choose and I lost that fight and so life goes on. 20 something odd years later I get it, I have had to make hard choices too and you make the best of it.

My other best friend and I have had a tumultuous relationship since we were young. We are two very different people in most ways but intelligence-wise I think we are equals. We both are organized and detail-oriented and because of that we have always worked together extremely well. We have had several jobs together and I think we both appreciate the others ability to intellectually keep up. We are generally interested in the same things and I have greatly missed talking books, television and fashion with her!

It is our personalities that are vastly different. I view things a certain way and she views it the opposite way. She has children and I do not so sometimes I think we can’t connect over that and that has caused a distance between us. She matured much faster than I because of those children while I have pretty much done whatever I wanted. She is very blunt and to-the-point while I prefer to sit back and keep my thoughts to myself. I love animals, she loves them afar. She gets consumed with work, I only work because I have to. We disagree on a lot of things but that has always worked for us until it doesn’t.

We have been close since 6th grade and throughout our lives we have been besties for a while, usually a few years, and then a disagreement will come up and we won’t speak for months or even years. I will say this, I desperately miss her when she isn’t speaking to me. As for how she feels about it I am not sure. Does she miss me? I hope so! Our longest time not speaking to each other has been for the last few years. I lost my temper and she disengaged. I tried multiple times to make up but she wasn’t willing for reasons I am unaware of.

Finally, finally she texted me in February! I think she wants to be friends again but she seems wary. We resumed our awards show fashion texts which are always entertaining but otherwise I am trying not to push too hard and engage too much since our relationship seems fragile at this point. What I really want to do is scream “Yes, I missed you so much!! I want to see you right now, for like 3 days and talk about everything we have been doing. Just spend all your time with me!!” She would never do that but sometimes I have to fight the urge to text her because I know she is busy.

I have a lot of female acquaintances but no one close so I hope this post does not upset her but working my feelings out in this blog has worked really well for me so here I am! I have gotten wiser as I’ve gotten older which has made me much more mature and thoughtful about others feelings and views. The new me is much better than the old and I am prepared to be a much better friend that I have been in the past so I hope we can work it all out. I am hopeful!