The Unhappiness….

It exists. My darkest moments, the deep, piercing feeling of nothingness. I feel it in my very soul, my being, my over-dramatic emotions. I am not original, many people feel this. Yet I feel utterly alone in my false world. It is hard to find a way out but I must or go insane. This is why I am childless, because of this deep compulsion to have no connections to everyday life. I fake it quite well with those around me, this pantomime of feeling that does not exist, my imitation of normal feelings. My so-called successful marriage of eighteen years that is a facade of true love. Honestly, I feel nothing and I like it. To feel is just too much to handle. I get up, I go to work, I fake being a human being like any other, I come home and it is either easy with only surface conversation or fighting like children. Nothing I do or feel makes it better or worse. It just is and I really don’t care either way. Ahhhhhh, this cannot be normal and if it was how would I react? Or not? Maybe. FML I don’t know or care. Antipathy rules the moment, my life, my feelings, my relationship, my sense of self.

And then my dog comes in. He is the only thing that keeps me present. I feel more feelings for this bag of fur than I do for any human on earth. He is my happiness and the only time I wake up from my own despair. This poor animal has no idea that my existence revolves around his affection and love which is never ending. I can live on this, at least for awhile. He exists separate from my dark emotions because his very presence chases the darkness away. How is this possible? Unconditional love will do that.

I know it is my depression taking control that I feel powerless to resist. I have had it for so many years I cannot imagine not having it. I take the medicine the doctor prescribes but it is never enough. Honestly, sometimes there is nothing worse than feeling the same all the time, everday, day in and out. That is what the medicine does, the same life and feelings everyday for 12 years now. However, it is preferable to never getting up, to not existing, to checking out, to not care about life period. I am really good at that, not caring, but I have realized that paying the bills is preferable to not so I get up and fake it everyday and I am so tired. How long can I keep it up? I am so tired, I honestly don’t know. I have made it this far so no point in quitting now. Oh, but I so want to!!

I could literally sleep for days, I am not kidding, hours on end if no one wakes me. Everyone around me seems to think that this is a problem but I do not. It has cost me jobs and opportunities and I don’t care. It is an effort everyday to conform to a schedule that does not compliment my body’s normal rhythm. Honestly, the 8 – 5 workday is killer for me and sometimes I resent the fact that I have to conform to others schedules. My ideal schedule would be 11 to 7 or 8. Or never, but that is not possible. Did I mention I am ready to retire? Like tomorrow would be okay with me. I don’t feel the need to prove myself at work in order to feel successful. Give me money, I will happily do nothing, forever, always without a second thought. It sounds blissful.

I am luxuriating in my darkness tonight. This does not happen often. It would be daring for me to post this and tomorrow I would have second and third thoughts. My dark thoughts come late at night when all I am feeling is despair. But tomorrow will come and I have fun plans that will chase away the darkness for at least a little while. As always I will come back to my darkness for this is my reality but that spark of hope remains, at least for now. However faint, I will try.