Everyone knows 2020 has been colossal shit show. Just when you think you’ve seen it all, bam, something else blindsides you. Covid, protests, racial turmoil, crazy weather, people hating others, there has been nothing good to say about this year.
I began a new job in January that I was really excited about. I worked hard and managed to accomplish a lot. Then my boss, who brought me in, had to leave for family reasons. I was very worried about my position so I worked really hard to take care of everything for the 3 months it took them to get a new boss in the office, but then I got worried. At first my new boss asked a lot of questions but he did not seem impressed with our accounting procedures. Then he stopped asking me questions which I felt was ominous. I had recently received rave reviews from the management company and a significant raise. I started to feel uneasy about my job security but told myself that I was overreacting. Three weeks later, Friday morning after being absent Thursday for an arthritis flare, he came in my office and told me the company had decided to go “in a different direction with someone with a degree,” and that was it. Not a word from my other 2 bosses who I thought I had strong relationships with. Later I learned that the new accountant started the Monday after I was let go so it was definantly planned in advance. This is the first time I have felt the sting of not having a degree in something. Getting fired always hurts especially when you have worked so hard.
Covid has been tough. Brett has been super concerned about me since I have an underlying condition that puts me at high risk if I contracted the virus. Basically some of my medication causes my immune system to weaken making me super susceptible to the virus. Once there is a good vaccine available I am hoping to resume normal life again after weeks and months of staying home. We order tons of Amazon and when I have to, I go out with a mask on. I miss my parents and all of my friends so much. I miss eating out and shopping but it is hugs I miss the most. Most of my friends and some of my family are taking very few precautions which has been frustrating. My parents are under a very strict quarantine because my Dad has not been well. I had not seen them in 6 months. Since I have not been working I was finally able to see them a couple of weeks ago after quarantining for 2 weeks. We sat on opposite sides of their porch with masks on and talked for a few hours. I wanted to hug them so badly but I could not. I cannot imagine losing a loved one and not being able to see them. It is truly the worst kind of death. And I need my parents to stay safe and be around for many years because I dont know what I would do without them.
Struggling with depression and anxiety on a daily basis is hard enough but during a pandemic it is magnified 1000 percent. I cannot even imagine what others are going through. I think of women taking care of their parents as well as kids and trying to work at the same time. There are a million examples I could specify but I struggle sometimes with feelings of guilt that so many have these struggles and here I am whining about mine.
Some days I wake up feeling like it might be a good day. Most days I wake up and know immediately that today will be a bad day. What sucks is you can’t tell I am sick, there is no physical manifestation. Joints are on fire, moving is painful, sitting for too long is painful, just a slight twist of a leg or arm causes fire, living is painful and exhausting. Besides my personal struggles, Brett is working 12 hour days, 7 days a week and has been for months. He is exhausted and tired and stressed and then he has to deal with me. Little things cause me great pain such as vacuuming, because of the back and forth motion, picking things up off of the floor, cleaning a bathtub, unloading the dishwasher and cleaning the cats litter box. Brett has to take up that slack and that makes me feel terrible.
So I am trying to enjoy this time off. Tomorrow is Election Day and I truly believe that this is the most important election we have ever had in my lifetime. The hatred and complete inability to govern in Washington has been disastrous for our country. We have to work together and we have to learn how to compromise. That is how you have a successful democracy. I do not think this is possible as long as Donald Trump is the President. We need a uniter and not a divider. We need a plan for Covid. We need action. And we need compassion and empathy to reunite America again.
XOXOXO Ash
The night is calling... 