“It’s scary what a smile can hide.”
So I watched the Oprah interview with Meghan and Harry and it felt so real and honest. I, like most people, have always been captivated by the Royal Family. I watched their wedding along with all the other royal weddings. To me, it was like a fairy tale but it turns out not all fairy tales are true. The media coverage of them seems so cruel. When Meghan described that she didn’t want to go on, that she felt like ending her life, that struck a chord in me.
I have had multiple health issues over the last few years. Broken bones, surgeries, stomach ulcers and just feeling like my body has completely betrayed me. Once the traumatic injuries were healed I knew something else was wrong but I didn’t know what it was exactly. I knew I was in pain, gaining weight, exhausted all the time and depressed. I went to multiple doctors and no one seemed to be able to find out what was wrong. I began to feel like I might be going insane and that all these problems were in my head. The burden of pain with no obvious injuries or visible wounds can be overwhelming physically and especially mentally.
Last year when I was finally diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis I was overjoyed! We had finally discovered the problem so surely the treatment would take care of everything. That is not how the disease works though. I started taking anti-inflammatory medicine and a biologic. The biologic took 5 weeks to fully begin to work. When it finally kicked in I was ecstatic! It was the best I had felt in years!
To make a long story short, I lost my health insurance. The meds were $5000 a month! I panicked but found out that I could apply to get it for free through the manufacturer. It took several weeks to go through that process and I was suffering. The arthritis came back with a vengeance and I had it in so many joints, my right wrist, my right knee, both my ankles, my lower back, my left shoulder, my hips, my right elbow and some of my toes.
The fatigue is overwhelming. No matter how much I sleep I still am exhausted. When I finally got approved for the biologic I thought everything would be okay. It turns out that the meds were not working the way they did before and the pain has returned threefold. At the same time my mother in law is experiencing liver failure so my focus has shifted to her care in Oklahoma. We have been staying at her home and her beds and furniture have taken a toll on my body. My husband needs me now but it has been very hard for me to do everything that is needed. I try not to complain but I have days where I just cannot function from exhaustion and the acute pain.
I think the reason I was so affected by the interview was when Meghan said she was overwhelmed and did not want to go on and saw no way out. I am often up alone late at night due to my pain and stress and many times I felt like I cannot go on and that ending my life would stop the pain and the fatigue that I struggle with. I have always felt that suicide was a selfish act but living in constant pain is so overwhelming. Is this going to go on forever? It is just too much for one person to bear.
I have never told my husband, my parents or my friends about this feeling of despair or of ending things. I do not tell them the extent of the pain I feel. It is part of the burden of pain to protect the ones you love from the harsh reality. I love them and do not want to alarm or hurt them. I live in fear of falling and injuring myself which happens a lot because I am so off balance. Waking up in the morning is the worst because everything hurts, it can take 30 minutes or more to get out of bed. Long car rides are painful, sitting in the wrong chair is torture and wooden chairs are the worst. I tried to sleep on both beds up here and woke up in so much pain we went out and bought a twin mattress that, thank god, does not cause as much pain. My dog Baxter means well but he is 100 pounds and still a puppy so he will accidentally hurt me by jumping on me or stepping on me. I tripped on a shoe two weeks ago landing on my face and left shoulder which is now killing me. I cannot lift anything, not even a drink with that arm and cannot reach up with that arm.
I finally reached out to find some others online that are battling psoriatic arthritis. I got some great advice and it was nice to not feel so alone. The burden of pain makes you feel so alone and no one wants to hear how bad you feel all the time. It wears you down and takes away all joyful feelings. There is a great article on this subject and I will include a link to it at the end of this post. In a world where no one agrees and people are so angry all the time, please have compassion. You can’t always see what someone is fighting, whether it is pain or, as in Meghan’s case, fear and isolation. Empathy is an amazing thing, we are all fighting our own battles. Do not judge what you cannot understand. Whether the pain is physical or mental, it is still valid and real to those suffering.
The night is calling... 