This is a heartbreaking post that I never thought I would have to make. It has been quite a day and the house is quiet and I am the only one awake besides the cats. I have not written in over a year because I just did not have much to say. Life has been unfolding in a mostly happy way which has reduced my angst and need to purge. I got complacent and drifted along in a happy haze until being brutally brought back down to earth today.
Brett and I took both our dogs to the beach in October. We rented a house on the beach and everyone had a blissful 7 days exploring. Baxter loved every minute but he hurt his back leg jumping out of the car one day. Once we got back to Ruidoso we noticed that he was favoring that leg. We took him to the vet and they gave us anti-inflammatories and pain medication. We watched him for 10 days and he seemed to get better but when the anti-inflammatory ran out the limp came back again.
Baxter is 100 pounds of pure muscle and does not like the vet at all. It is not a pleasant experience to take him there because they have to muzzle him which is upsetting for me and him and he growls the entire time.. He would not allow them to take x-rays so he had to be sedated to take a look at the ACL and ligaments in his leg. Brett and I had been talking about the fact that it was going to cost a boatload of money for ACL surgery and joking that would be our luck.
I dropped Baxter off at 8am for his x-rays and went to work while waiting for a call from the vet. When she called I got some shocking news. She was 90% sure he has bone cancer, slight chance it could be a fungal infection but doubtful. I reeled from the news. I was shocked, hell I am still in shock. This perfectly healthy, strong and full of energy boy did not have cancer, no fucking way. I will spare you the disturbing details of how death follows. When she told me he has 3 to 6 months I started bawling in my office at work. How is this possible? Then she told me we could have his leg amputated but that would only give him maybe six more months. I didn’t know what to say, I was so at a loss for words.
The vet says she is so sorry and that she will talk to us more when we come to pick him up. I locked myself in the bathroom at work, just to process and to sob like a baby. I suddenly realized that I would have to tell Brett. He was at the doctor and I didn’t want to tell him over the phone, it was too much. I drove home in a daze to wait for Brett. I took a shot of tequila and sat on the sofa and waited. I didn’t turn anything on, just sat silently waiting. He finally arrived and I told him. At this point I had been crying for 3 hours straight and I was a total mess. After some time had passed and tears were shed, it was time to go to the vet
She met with us, showed us the x-rays of his femur and the bone disintegrating, it was very obvious. We agreed to send the x-rays to a radiologist for further diagnosis as well as sending samples to be tested for a fungal infection. She told us not to get our hopes up and to prepare for a possible bone biopsy which is as awful as it sounds. We would like to avoid that if possible. It was very clear, if it wasn’t a fungal infection (10% chance) it was bone cancer (90% chance). She also warned us that it was a very painful cancer so we would need to pay close attention to his pain levels and indications of pain. At this point, I am a puddle on the floor.
Finally we discuss the bill. He went in for sedation and x-rays that were supposed to cost $200. The tests, medication and various shit was $1400. We fully realize at this point that this is going to be very expensive. I would sell my soul for this dog so we will find and spend whatever is necessary to keep him as comfortable and pain free as possible until it is time for him to go. At this point I just want to see Baxter and they bring him in with a cone on. He was miserable but brightened up when he saw us. The cone was so pitiful that after we left the vet we pulled over and took it off and I swear he smiled.
This dog is going to be the happiest and most spoiled dog in the world for the rest of his time here. Whatever he wants, he gets: pig’s ears, Starbucks pup cups, French fries, bacon, sausages and pill pockets and endless car rides and park visits. He is going to be fat and happy when he goes. I want to be with him for as much time as possible. Right now, when I look at him, I can’t help but cry, it is so painful to know what is coming but I will pull myself together and give him my best for as long as I can. That’s what we do in times of crisis, we rise until we are free to fall again. Merry fuckin Christmas.
AEC 12.01.22
The night is calling... 