My Itchiness…

“I don’t think there is anything worse than being ordinary.”

I don’t know a better way to describe this feeling that I have had since I was a child. After a few weeks of normal life I feel this need, deep down, to do something, anything, that isn’t normal, to go out, misbehave, do something I should not and I have tried to find out if others feel this way but generally they do not. I get so tired of doing what is expected or what is right, I just want to get outside the box and live like tomorrow may never come. It’s a deep down feeling that I know is not normal but I feel compelled to follow it nonetheless.

Am I the only one that is bored out of their mind with normal, everyday activities? Is this all life is? Getting up, going to work, driving an hour to Irving in the morning and evening, coming home, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen, watching television, taking a shower, in bed by 11 so the next day doesn’t suck at work. Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat and finally 2 days off work so I can finally sleep in until 2 in the afternoon (is this normal that I still sleep like a teenager, my husband says it is not), get up, maybe dinner with family or friends, a movie, because we can finally stay up late, sleep, Sunday, watch shitty movies on TV, maybe read a magazine, deal with husband playing video games all day, maybe the dog park with Baxter, dinner, a shower and then do it all again?

I’m so freaking bored! Is this life forever? I want to be happy, I want this to be enough and yet I know I am bored out of my fucking mind! There has got to be more than this to life. Why is nothing ever enough for me? Is there anything more routine and boring than accounting? Did I purposely pick something that I am good at but endlessly bored by? I work with ten other people and none of them seem bored like I am, seem restless, seem as dissatisfied by life as I am.

I am 42 years old, long past the time when I should be restless and unsatisfied with life yet I am miserable! I keep seeing shows and advice that you should find your purpose and your meaning in life. All I can come up with is helping others, traveling, living life to its fullest but you know what I am doing? I feel like a gerbil on his wheel running and running and going absolutely nowhere. All these people say they work to live, but all I do is work, work, work to barely pay my bills. I have worked since I was 14 years old, working full-time at 15 and I am tired and disillusioned. I have never felt a calling to a particular profession, I would love to know exactly what I should be doing.

When I was a teenager I just wanted to be an adult so I could do whatever I wanted. I remember my mother asking me why I was in such a hurry to grow up? She said being an adult is not that great. She was serious and now I get it. Being an adult sucks. Can I please, please go back to being a teenager? No cares, no bills, no expectations, no responsibilities, no pressure, no more boring ass crap that I dont really care about? I am so tired of pretending to care about shit I dont care about. My 15 year old self is screaming continuously I don’t care! But as an adult you have to care. This conundrum is killing me.

I don’t even have any children. I don’t know if this feeling would go away if I did have children but I doubt it. My restlessness is one of the reason that I do not have any children. I can’t bear the thought of disappointing innocent children because of my own shortcomings and general dissatifaction with life. It is better that I have less people to disappoint and I don’t want to permanently scar those I love the most.

Sometimes I wonder if something is missing from me. Why don’t I feel the same way others do? Why isn’t life good enough for me? Why am I never, ever satisfied? I honestly do not know and I find it frustrating that maybe I am alone in this feeling. I honestly have no idea if people with families and children feel these same feelings but I really wish someone would tell me about it if they are feeling this.

I will continue to get up every morning and go to work even though I really dont want to because the bills being paid is easier than them not being paid. I often think of the movie Office Space when Ron Livingston is hypnotized and decides he really doesn’t want to work anymore. He just doesn’t feel like it anymore. This man is my hero. We are on the same level. I just do not want to anymore. But I have family and social obligations so I will continue being a responsible citizen until I win the lottery or can finally fucking retire. I am 42 and I am so ready to retire. Only 25 more years! Please, kill me now, it’s the only right thing to do.

Ron’s character in Office Space eventually ends up working construction and finding his happiness, I do not think that would work for me. Where is my happiness? I have no earthly idea where or what it is but I will continue looking every day because if I don’t there is no hope. It must be out there somewhere or else I am lost forever and that cannot be. If anyone else is feeling my despair, please, please let me know. I would love to feel not so alone.

Please note that this blog was written after a long, long week of work when I was feeling despair.  I don’t feel like this all the time but I do have these feelings at various points in my life.  I am doing just fine usually!