NORMAL??…

“No one is normal.  They just look that way from across the street.’

Look, I am not perfect.  I have so many flaws I cannot list them all here.  I can be selfish, jealous, angry and stubborn.  But I can also be loving, caring, selfless and empathetic.  Nobody has all these qualities at the same time, I feel like we cycle through these emotions.  I have had so many different emotions throughout the last 3 years I feel like I am insane.  A lot of these emotions have been negative due to losing everything I own but I feel like I can finally move past the fire and not think about it on a daily basis.  Now I have plenty of other things to be pissed about.

I miss parents so much it hurts.  I feel like my time is limited with them so I want to spend as much time as possible but I live 550 miles away.  I feel so guilty about that and sometimes it feels like I am missing out.  For my own sanity, this move to Ruidoso, even with the fire, was the best choice I have made.  Fort Worth does not feel like home to me any longer.  I love this town and I love the mountains.  I wouldn’t move unless someone offered me a house on the beach.  That is my other ultimate place to live.

I don’t want this to be a political post but I cannot speak here about my life without acknowledging the current state of affairs in our country.  I will not comment on Trump’s lack of empathy, foresight and ego but at this point if you don’t know there is a problem you live in a different world than I do.  I think what hurts the most is the people who voted for him but refuse to get information from a place other than Newsmax and Fox News and believe that everything is great and that all of this is perfectly normal.  People that I love believe this and I am not spending the short time I have left on this earth arguing with them.  If you don’t see the issues now, you never will.

I work at an emergency domestic violence shelter.  I have been there for a year and a half and I love it.  Believe me, not everyday is a picnic.  You are dealing with life threatening incidents and people, children and pets who are traumatized, exhausted and angry.  Angry is good, it helps them push through.  What I have discovered throughout this job is that I have the ability to become very calm at moments of high stress and the ability to empathize with their pain.  Sometimes we succeed and get the client into a place to live with a job and hopefully, being able to control their trauma.  For others, they go back to the abuser.  It takes 7-9 times to leave an abusive relationship. These women have been through hell and just need a little help getting back on their feet.  We have counseling, daily group meetings, financial literacy, job search,  benefits searches, meditation, various self-care activities and a normal, scheduled day in the shelter with everyone contributing to the house with chores or cooking.  Having a schedule makes a huge difference for all of out clients whether they are adults, children or pets.

Somedays are rough and the stories can be overwhelming, but having coworkers to decompress with, that is how we stay sane.  My entire life I have wondered what the hell I am doing here.  Well, I think I found it and that feels great.  Is everyday perfect?  Absolutely not but it’s worth it, even when I have to clean a toliet.  The children are a little scary for me but they seem to like me.  I just want to do everything in my power to help them and give them happy memories, I think that is so important.

When I needed help the most I was given the gift of rehab in Fort Worth and it changed my life.  This rehab was free due to a government program that required me to do the work to get in and I did that work and its one of the best things I have ever done.  I just cannot forget that, the fact that I was at my lowest point and someone gave me a hand up.  That is what the government and charities should do.  Now I am the one giving people the hand up.  It is me trying to pay back the gift I received.  Sometimes, people need some help and they deserve to have it regardless of past mistakes. 

The point of this post is have empathy.  There are so many people who need it.  Trying to understand someone who is completely different from you will show you how to understand people unlike yourself.  And that is a good thing, no matter who you are and who they are.  We need more kindness in this world. 

Xoxo, Ash